SOME CRUCIAL ELEMENTS FOR A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
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For many if not most of us, the most overwhelming desire we have in life is for a great and enduring relationship in which we are freed up to be our best selves supported by our partners.
Then there’s reality.
And reality is that if you are in relationship difficulties it’s most likely that, like most people, you’ve been poorly trained in the human dynamics and skills that lead to superb relationships. In fact, just the opposite. Most of us have been maltrained and lack the inner management and outer relating skills to create a sublime partnering.
Just think for a moment of how much “disconnection-creating” behaviors you have experienced from your partners, or they from you. You can choose from a list that includes being blaming, controlling, being needy, having emotional outbursts, playing the victim, manipulating, making each other wrong, putting him or her down, having poor boundaries, fighting with or flighting from each other, avoiding, approval-seeking, or any self-abandoning behaviors.
What do you recognize here?
To escape these patterns if they exist in your relationship, there are essential things you must learn – and which I coach – to elevate your new relationship or your sour relationship into sweetness itself. Here are some:
How to Create Agreements That Will Last After You Call in the One
Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of healthy agreements openly arrived at. The biggest ones are the rules of mutual commitment which call for spoken contracts around mutual support, meeting each other’s fundamental needs, true openness and sharing, and having fun – among others.
The agreements don’t stop there. More familiarly, couples who want to build healthy relationships also need to make clear contracts around touchy issues that often become relationship deal breakers. These can include work and money matters, how to raise children, on taking time alone, and on methods to keep the relationship creative and fresh – along with much else.
The agreements usually must include what seems to be the trivial, sometimes right down to what to do with the toothpaste and who does the dishes when. Matters like these turn out to be not so insignificant in many relationships and often undermine the relating field far more than you might expect.
Most importantly, you must have agreements on how to solve disagreements – which means if you are like most people, you need to learn the methods of doing this.
You Must Know Your Own and Your Partner’s Child Development and Reactive Patterns.
There are four people who show up in every relationship. Each of your authentic soul selves are two of them. The two others are each of your personalities complete with emotional buttons to be pushed, self-images to be protected or shred, your doubts and fears, and the way you tend to deal with others, especially when matters get sticky.
Child development in this society usually does a poor job of training us to deal in the relational field in a way that allows us to manage effectively our own inner turmoil while knowing how to deal most effectively with similar turmoil in others. Instead, we tend to rely on coping mechanisms that are all that is available to a child in the early stages of life and which become reactive habits in us as adults. There are six of these: fight, flight and avoid, seek approval, seek to control, seek to fix (as do enablers who marry people with addictions) and manipulate.
You might evaluate on which ones you mostly rely.
This “other self,” with it coping mechanisms and reactive buttons, is the bane of every relationship. Therefore it has to be dealt with knowingly and consciously. This means learning how to identify your own patterns of emotional reaction and behavior and what situations trigger you. It also means learning your partner’s patterns. And then it means learning the methods to grow out of – or let go of – your patterns with the help of each other. The alternative is that you continue to beat each other up – as we typically do, deploying as weapons such statements as “you made me do this” and “why can’t you just be this or that way?”
At bottom it means learning not to take personally the reactive patterns of each other and instead gaining the training in how two people can become allies armed with knowledge and techniques that allow them to heal their personal childhood trauma right there in the relationship, thus freeing up their soul selves to love cleanly and to play and create fearlessly.
You Must Identify How You Create Both Disconnects and Closer Connections with Your Partner.
Every relational exchange between two human beings, whether in marriage or just talking to the grocery store clerk, has three possible effects. It can create closer connection, even if only mildly. It can create a disconnect from the other person and a feeling of alienation between the parties – a greater gap between the two people. Or it can be neutral and a simple information exchange.
Most couples flounder between creating connection and creating disconnection. For a successful relationship, these behaviors need to be on a bulletin board in the relational field – sometimes literally posted on the wall. Until you identify, take responsibility for and stop those behaviors that create disconnection and amplify those behaviors that nourish connection, your relationship will always be rocky. One day up, one day down.
Healthy couples do this intuitively. Most people need to learn how to make it a daily practice wedded to mindfulness.
You can contact me directly for a free consultation at private@jaylevin,com or 310-628-7761
WHAT I PROVIDE FOR YOU
Elevation Relationship coaching and training incorporates these “musts” and provides couples and individuals with the tools, ways of thinking and reorientation of behavior they absolutely need to create healthy relationships even against all the odds you bring into your partnering.
Relationships being a learned art, ill-trained amateurs easily get it wrong. Elevation coaching focuses on eliminating the amateur wrong moves teaches you the sublime correct moves. Your personal growth can be extensive, much less your relationship improvement.
At bottom you benefit from the fact that this is a unique time in human history when we not only want more out of relationships than our ancestors, we actually have developed the tools and wisdom to achieve excellent relationships. This is reflected in some other core elements of Elevation Relationship Coaching, to wit:
Bridging the Gap of Gender Differences
You and your partner actually get to to understand the nature of your own gender and of your partner’s in a completely fresh way, taking away confusion and mystery and thus opening the door to beautiful relating.
Complex Psychological Issues Are Made Simple and I Empower You to Move Beyond Them
I take complex psychological material and explain it in such a way that relationship dynamics become crystal clear. In the process tremendous burdens of misunderstanding about yourself and your partner or potential partner are lifted. This has benefits that go well beyond your primary relationship.
As Noted, You Learn Skills You Don’t Now Have to Create Successful Relationship
I provide an array of superb, practical and do-able relating and communicating skills that can lead you to both a better relationship with a partner and to a much better relationship with yourself and the rest of the world. while expanding your overall emotional education.
You Gain New Behaviors and Safe Love and Intimacy
I coach you and your partner in new behaviors that lay trusting groundwork and create safety zones of love and intimacy. These help you and your partner get past your disconnection-creating patterns and encourage expression of feelings and needs. Among other advances, you learn how to share decision making and resolve conflicts and you elevate your general people and interacting skills.
The first real benefit of my relationship coaching is the early discovery that you can stop the decline and save the relationship or marriage (including from the divorce courts).
And then go on to learn how to create a beautiful, healthy relationship from scratch.
Your part in this is to be absolutely willing to participate and to change your mind about the core nature of relationships and about why you have not to date gotten what you want. You also have to be willing to learn a set of skills that will allow you to leave behind past patterns and instead create and maintain a relationship that delivers you the sustaining and joyful love you deserve.
The real question for you is: Are you ready to make that commitment to yourself and to your relationship? If the answer is yes, I am confident I can help you, as can my audio programs. I have more than once heard the words “phenomenal” and “miracle” from clients who have experienced my relationship coaching. One couple was a few days from finalizing a bitter divorce when they came to me as a last-ditch effort. Within a month they had re-committed to each other; within two months were happy, with utterly transformed lives and senses of self and telling me and others it was a pure “miracle.”
You can read more confirming testimonials in Client Reviews column on the right.
My relationship coaching is also helpful to singles who have struggled with relationship and want to approach the next one differently, or get over the past one, or if you are just dating and want guidance in that process, or if your relationship is not struggling, only stale. My coaching also helps people in troubled same-sex relationships enjoy the same profound turnarounds.
As we all know, marriage and relationship problems are so pervasive – in fact, questions of individuals in intimate relationships are so fundamental – that they grab attention out of that deep human need finally to get relationship happily right. I offer you the opportunity to get yours right.
What’s next in our conversation?
You can contact me directly at private@jaylevin,com or 310-628-7761. If you first desire a more concrete sense of my work and teaching, I would suggest you download one or more of the audio classes here.
- Basic Rate: $150 per session
- Discounted Rate: Sliding scale within your budget and as my schedule permits
- Prepaid Discount Coaching Package: 10 hours a month for two months – $2,490 (you save $510) Click here to view